Baby Jesus said:

I used to be a fan of Nic Cage until he somehow went from cool older cousin to embarrassing, conspiracy-theory dad who offers your prom date a joint but only if she “gives the ole man some sugar” creating a reflex in you to cringe until invisible. I’m sure that horse tranquilizers and mind mittens were the only thing preventing Eva Mendez from clawing her fucking eyes out while listening to “blah, blah, silver spoon, meh, meh, treasure”. Just listen to her slack-jawed delivery of the line, “Idth cthould be anawhe…” I haven’t seen something so dead inside since I did a womb review of a zombie hooker.

While this clip has been offered only to lower expectations, the film has actually elicited some positive reviews. (but you can ask the ghost of Oscar Wilde how much good reviews do for you when you’re busy spending eternity as a yule-log with sequins for tears)

Needless to say, if this thing is as self-indulgent and boring as it looks, those who bore false witness about this flick will get their asses smote. Peace and all that shit, bitches.

Bloody Jesus said:

Oh man, I’m so sore. Why would I look at this now? I’ve already seen Bad Lieutenant. I’d really prefer some gauze and a…. Oh, it’s a new Bad Lieutenant except with Nicolas Cage? Nah, don’t think I can stick around to see that shit, my cross is double-parked outside.