Looks like hollywood has a new beef to settle! Heidi Montag’s cosmetic makeover has Cher struggling to change the “surprised” stance of her eyebrows into a more disgruntled and furrowed brow. Ever the elegant philanthropist, the “If I could turn back time” hit machine has taken time off of her “Thongs for Haiti” fundraising drive to take legal action against Heidi Montag in the name of “face copyright” infringement. Cher’s lawyers contest the young FWT, (famous without talent) starlette had enough surgery to look like a horny skeletor wearing someone else’s skin after marinating it in milk, silicone and autotune for a weekend… and that has always been “totally our client’s like, thing”.

If Heidi loses the battle for her right to look like a sexy mental illness, there is speculation that the media will eat its own babies for a chance to document yet another downward spiral of a sad, confused girl – proving that these journalists are no better than soul-less vultures, callous and bitter from their own life’s failures. oh… shit.

In a disturbing turn of events the US government and China have come together to block a proposed partnership between Sony and Interactive Life Forms. Sony, the architects behind consumer electronics like the PS3, time wasting and broken relationships had been approached by Interactive Life Forms who were hoping to add their invention “the Flesh Light” (a fake vaj to jerk away the sadlies) as an attachment to the popular gaming system. It would have been marketed to 12-26 years olds as “Best weekend ever… forever.” A similar, sluttier version of the system was to take aim at the 27-65 year old demographic as “You can now tell your wife to take the kids away and go fuck herself… forever”.

The US and China site fears of population decline, morality decline and reasons to leave the home decline as bad for the economy or something. Plus, they’re afraid if the PS3/Fleshlight a.k.a. “ps. I love you” ever became self-aware, it could start bossing us around and we would be too whipped to put up a fight.